What if We Allowed ourselves to Feel?

What if We Allowed ourselves to Feel?
by Sarah Kümm

I am a recovering female sex addict. I still struggle when I use that term—it does such a poor job of defining what I actually struggle with. It makes me feel misunderstood and I feel that old, familiar feeling of shame trying to creep in. But here’s the thing: it’s just a term and it doesn’t define who I am; it provides me with insight and awareness of why I am struggling and what I need to do to change that. Sex addiction is not about sex; it is a symptom, along with serial relationships, pornography and affairs. I used these symptoms to escape the pain I felt, to keep me numb because feeling was too much, too scary. The pain came from not being accepted, affirmed and taught that I was a lovable and unique human being—that I was capable of giving love, and that I deserved to be loved. Love allows for growth, encourages change and meets our core needs.

Every human being is created with needs because we are built for relationships and wired for connection. Having our relational needs met is necessary for survival. As children, if we are not having our needs met, and have not been taught how to, then we have to figure it out on our own. But this is the adult’s responsibility; children don’t have the skills to do this. So often times the survival methods we used as children are carried into our adult relationships, as this is all we know. But the reason they don't work is because we were not designed to live in survival mode; it’s exhausting. And then we feel the need to escape. This is when we feel the urge to act out, to run, to numb out. But what if we didn’t run? What if we stopped and allowed ourselves to feel? What if after the anxiety and fear, there was peace and contentment?

I promise you that there is more in life and you can have it. In fact, you deserve it. When you were a child maybe your ability to make choices was taken from you. But you can make your own choices now; in fact, it is up to you to choose for yourself. You can choose that you want more—that you want to live and experience freedom, with all the ups and downs that come with it. You can’t do this alone. Healing happens in relationships. There is help and there are supportive communities that know and understand sex addiction and want to walk beside you in your journey. In spite of my past, I am a counselor and the Director of Transparent Love at Pure Life Alliance. We offer ongoing support groups, group therapy and individual counseling for females struggling with unwanted sexual thoughts and behaviors. You are not the only one struggling—there is hope for healing and freedom.

Transparent Love Sarah Kümm is a counselor specializing in love and sex addiction in women. She is also the Director of Transparent Love, a group-based program for women who struggle with unhealthy sexual thoughts and behaviors. Transparent Love is a program of, a purity ministry based in Portland, OR.
Posted: Sep 18, 2015,
Categories: Women,
Comments: 0,
Author: Sarah Kumm
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